Emotional Abuse or Mental Abuse - Stop the Abuse

Narcissistic Tendencies are in the Mind of an Abuser

© Karen Stephenson

Apr 7, 2009

Verbal abuse is perhaps the most common form of abuse that exists. Lyrics in the 1989 hit song, “If I Could Turn Back Time,” Cher succinctly sings, “ . . words are like weapons, they wound sometimes.” In more severe cases, not just words can inflict harm, but being on the receiving end of total silence can be just as damaging.

Inside the Mind of an Abuser

Abusers usually do not have insight into the significance of their problem. Rage and intimidation naturally occurs out of a deep psychological sense of entitlement which is tied in with having narcissistic traits. These people truly believe that others, in particular those that are intimately closest, must act the way they want them to otherwise there will be consequences. Typically, the underlying attitude develops as a response to their upbringing which involves family dysfunction.

Childhood experiences of growing up with abusive parents, alcoholic or drug addicted parents can have a negative life-long effect if not thoroughly processed. The abuser may have been abused or was traumatized watching events in the home. There is an emotional numbing that emerges out of the abusers' experiences that prevents them from getting closure on their history. Instead of letting go of past events, they permeate deep in the mind and often manifest into abusive behavior towards those closest to them.

Those who are good at being a “control freak” can present themselves as being very kind and gentle individuals. They have an uncanny ability to create a pleasing facade that gains respect from people in the community. However, once in the security of an intimate relationship, the facade diminishes and true colors start to shine.

Mood fluctuations within the abuser causes chaos in the mind of the victim. One moment things are wonderful, then suddenly, often without warning, a verbal assault is launched toward the partner or absolute silence. Living with the unpredictable nature of an abuser can create anxiety and panic attacks in the partner. What's worse is when the abuser attempts to justify what was said or done and turns things around to make the victim feel guilty. Another scenario is when the abuser repeatedly and profoundly apologizes for their words and begs forgiveness.

Often these emotional hijackers tend to blame their actions on others or a situation (e.g. bad day at work) instead of owning their actions. This is often the case in which the abusers may suffer from depression, bipolar disorder, borderline personality, and other psychological symptoms.

Personality Characteristics of Abusers

Although this list is not complete, the following are some of the most common characteristics that abusers exhibit:

• They use power and control as a way to alter their environment.
• Manipulation through words and action occurs naturally.
• Their propensity toward believing they are always right is strong.
• They were abused or “spoiled rotten” as a child.
• They are not cognizant of the “dark side” of their personality.
• Their belief in having entitlements is very strong.
• Poor impulse control.
• Aggressive style of relating to people and situations.
• Self-centered, rigid and lack the ability to see things from another's perspective.
• Highly insecure, defensive and feel inferior.

Abusers have a narcissistic personality, meaning “it is all about them”. They lack insight and insensitivity to understand the damage they inflict on others. They feel justified by what they say and do and it takes intense efforts on the behalf of others to try to get them to understand they need help.

Abuse is a choice. If no one speaks out against them, and children are involved, then the cycle of abuse will continue to spin out of control. Getting an abuser to change can't happen unless he wants to change. There are no easy solutions, but one tool that might work is to have an intervention. Helping an abuser change his way is challenging, but in the end, has endless rewards.

Further Reading:

Emotional Abuse is Emotional Bullying

Stop the Abuse

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